“Can anyone build his happiness on the unhappiness of another? Happiness is not in the delights of love, but in the spirit’s highest harmony. How could the spirit be appeased, if behind it stood a dishonourable, merciless, inhuman action? What kind of happiness would that be, based on the unhappiness of another?”
A very dear friend sent me this (small part of a speech Dostoevsky made about Pushkin), which seems very relevant for me at the moment. How can there be such surprise at my despair? I can neither believe the situation I find myself in nor understand why even now I cannot be faced and told the truth..all of it…
I faced cancer by starting this blog in an attempt to be honest and open about my prognosis – that is how I got by…assuming the clinicians along the route would be similarly forthright and honest (which they have been). Having run with that I now find myself foundering as I unravel the spectre of dishonesty staining both my marriage and a friendship.
Meantime I have been taken on a diversionary weekend involving lots of bookshops, great company and no mobile signal – the only 3 essential elements for a good time I reckon. Unfortunately I seemed to carry all my sadness with me but it was, nonetheless, lovely to be taken away and enjoy the company of very generous old school friends who I have not caught up with for close to 30 years. We also made a discovery – that the name for a Bloody Mary without vodka is not called a Virgin Mary but….a Bloody Shame (or at least it was called that where we were staying!)
Back in the hospital environment again this week as it is yet more treatment with the leprosy drug tomorrow…my penultimate poison/mythical potion (whichever way I feel about it on the day as it drips through). I am looking forward to discarding all three lots of antihistamine and the interminable antibiotics after the last treatment on August 12th, which is now, finally, in sight.