Mustn’t grumble

I am not the same person I was when I last went to work – parts of my anatomy are gone forever whilst the omnipresent cancer continues to fester within me (at a low level, I am assuming). Both left and right sides of brain have given up the ghost and I struggle to make even a business-like phone call without  dissolving, plus I am told that I am suffering from (the equivalent of) a double bereavement in terms of my emotional losses.

But hey…mustn’t grumble eh? Need to focus on what I can control, which currently seems very little – my own values, moral compass and a stumble forward into this very uncertain future perhaps. It isn’t hugely reassuring to discover that my points on the life stress scale seem to equate with”at risk of illness”…..Isn’t this how it all began? However there are, it seems, still hordes of stressful events lurking out there ready to trip me up. I thought things came in threes not in battalions.

The immediate issue facing me is going to work tomorrow. I can’t even remember what I used to wear for work, let alone what I did when I got there…but maybe it will come flooding back. I did always go in and empty the dishwasher first thing. Hey…I still know how to do that and suspect it will still be there ready to be emptied…and it may be a great “can do” thing to kick-start the working day.

Only one medical encounter again this week (which is the lowest count I seem to get) until I ramp back up to several per week again which will include my last pertuzumab treatment. That said I should probably make an appointment to have the area, previously known as right breast, drained again as it is swelling back up to bumper breast proportions. Not rushing as I don’t want to be constantly attending the hospital to be drained of effluent…Just wonder how big the swelling could possibly get  and what might happen if I leave it to balloon….Hmmm….


5 thoughts on “Mustn’t grumble

  1. wishing you lots of hugs Wendy. I think you may be suffering what I have got – its is called lack of support. I asked Dr for a McMillan nurse so I could rant and cry when I needed to – and they sent me to the hospice. I felt as if my children had left me in an old peoples home.However, they were great. I am now going to have someone to whom I can rant and cry – and so can all my boys. They said my problem was that I am so strong I wont let myself weaken and put myself in others’ hands (remind you of anyone) Wendy?) Maybe it is an issue in the Ross family.


  2. Hoping tomorrow goes well. Don’t set the bar unreasonably high; just get in, have a drink, empty that dishwasher, reset every one of your passwords (who could remember them after all this?) and know that everyone will be pleased just to have you back! With love, Heather


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