I am not the same person I was when I last went to work – parts of my anatomy are gone forever whilst the omnipresent cancer continues to fester within me (at a low level, I am assuming). Both left and right sides of brain have given up the ghost and I struggle to make even a business-like phone call without dissolving, plus I am told that I am suffering from (the equivalent of) a double bereavement in terms of my emotional losses.
But hey…mustn’t grumble eh? Need to focus on what I can control, which currently seems very little – my own values, moral compass and a stumble forward into this very uncertain future perhaps. It isn’t hugely reassuring to discover that my points on the life stress scale seem to equate with”at risk of illness”…..Isn’t this how it all began? However there are, it seems, still hordes of stressful events lurking out there ready to trip me up. I thought things came in threes not in battalions.
The immediate issue facing me is going to work tomorrow. I can’t even remember what I used to wear for work, let alone what I did when I got there…but maybe it will come flooding back. I did always go in and empty the dishwasher first thing. Hey…I still know how to do that and suspect it will still be there ready to be emptied…and it may be a great “can do” thing to kick-start the working day.
Only one medical encounter again this week (which is the lowest count I seem to get) until I ramp back up to several per week again which will include my last pertuzumab treatment. That said I should probably make an appointment to have the area, previously known as right breast, drained again as it is swelling back up to bumper breast proportions. Not rushing as I don’t want to be constantly attending the hospital to be drained of effluent…Just wonder how big the swelling could possibly get and what might happen if I leave it to balloon….Hmmm….