I have known my prognosis from kick-off, so why does having it repeated back to me feel so different?
Well…for starters, it is making me more alert to the fact that it is time to do what I have always wanted to do…ideally as speedily as possible. But I can’t shrug off the constant ache for exactly what I can’t have – my old life, my band of gold intact, my husband at my side, my family and friend back again without the betrayals, deceit and lies…But just how does anyone just turn off 25 years of investment and what I had thought (so foolishly) was shared lives, love, hopes and dreams?
So…I have to shift to a downsized, second tier of wishes, which in my contracted world and view of life I am still struggling to identify. At my core I have had all meaningful ambition and stuffing knocked out of me by recent events and this is partnered with Sword of Damocles living…(I see I mentioned old Damocles in my blog on 26 October last year before I knew how much worse things were to become…)
I do want to:
- read endless books (especially now I need feel no guilt about trying to read books I feel I should have read, or should try to read.) Time is too short to read anything other than what I want to read – or, what book group stipulates, of course!
- be surrounded by honest, unafraid and supportive people…along with my cats.
- be a good friend to others
- bask in warm sunshine the whole time – and see no more British grey skies or winters.
- morph into a person that will actually get on with writing the novel I spend so long talking about.
- be able to sleep properly.
- be invited to part 2 of George Clooney’s wedding reception, which I believe is in Venice in a couple of weeks….or maybe Venice will be the actual wedding…Either way George Clooney and Venice sounds good…
- be able to smile and laugh again, be a good mum…and to forget…if only for a while