If you were put on the spot and asked what you would like to do if you had the opportunity, what would you say?
Apart from spending many spare moments over the years pondering my Desert Island Discs, I have never been a great one for this type of on-the-spot, list-making thinking. Deciding which dinner guests from history you would love to sit round a table with, where in the world you would most like to be or what you would select for your last meal etc. Does this make me indecisive, lacking ambition or just the sort of person who takes what’s coming, rather than trying to influence it? I am certainly no stoic but have never really thought of myself as somebody unable to influence my own future.
But..here I am. My husband was the one who always made the impossible seem possible for me and I thought that made him the yin to my yang (or however yin and yang work!). Without yin where does my yang go?
I am generally made “happy” (it’s all relative!) by the small stuff of life – cats snuggling on lap, arms round my son, sharing “stuff” with friends, the smell and sound of the sea, the sun on my skin, a good book, the perfect tomato (strawberry…mango…nectarine…fig…), a full fridge, singing in the car etc. Somehow now I feel compelled to come up with something big…something I have always wanted to do…something that may open my mind to new ways of living (or indeed dying). I wonder if these thoughts are provoked by the hugely promoted bucket lists of others (who started these? WHY?) or whether it is the truly debilitating thought that maybe I am just small-minded or prefer to turn in on myself rather than take on the “adventures” that dangle out there.
Maybe all (!!) I need to do is to let myself veg out and/or invest in some personal growth. To feel at peace living with myself and by myself. Positively choosing to live day to day rather than torturing myself with realising dreams (yet to be dreamed) that I think I should make myself achieve. It’s a thought….