Still struggling with the spoken word so I am relieved that I can still write things down…but maybe too much time to think….
I think about this time last year, late November/early December…I had thought I’d been having a lovely holiday in Devon (a brief break from chemo) with close friends. How hoodwinked was I (and the other two) by one of those “friends” who was furtively stabbing me in the back, day by day, week by week, month by month?
I looked back at old photos today of a birthday party…there “she” was – animated, sparkling and vibrant – full of the joys of filching my husband from right under my nose…and parading it like a cheerleader under my unsuspecting eyes.
I think of my wedding anniversary, the flowers, the thinking that we were heading towards our 25 years and exotic holidays/good times when I was past chemo…How stupid was I? I thought we were together forever – good/bad/well/unwell…I had pledged my troth and so had he.
What callous and cruel people I was laying my trust, hopes and fears in. All the time I was being lied to, cheated on, betrayed whilst I lost my health, my hair and my life as was…They took it from me piece by careful piece…lie after lie..after lie…How can anyone ever recover from this? I think about it all … every scene replayed in slow motion, popping through the fog of what I thought was happening compared to what was actually happening….Memory after memory unpicked and re-formed…I have battalions of them constantly lining up and assaulting me at every turn.
I just don’t understand, even now, how it could have happened…how two people so dear to me could just ditch me, so resolutely, and make every effort to destroy me because they “fancied” each other, and because they could, as I was too sick to notice…I had hoped that maturity would teach you that there are many more important things in life than just following your own selfish, vindictive and adolescent ends – honesty, integrity, friendship, shared lives, reliability, responsibility for starters let alone any of those marriage vows…
As we finally lurch toward the dog-end of the year I try to contemplate my dog-end of a life and a future….