Monthly Archives: January 2015

Do dreams come true…

I have spent much  most  all of my adult life wishing and dreaming I was slim (rather than doing anything about it!). Somehow I thought a different life would await me if only I was a slim person…a small breasted, slim person. Well, how right I was and how wrong I was. Sadly, the “different” life, now I am slim, is not the one that I had thought I was waiting for nor the route taken. But there’s the thing, maybe I needed to be thrown off the cliff to get slim (and a different cliff for the small breasted version) and now need to re-create myself and my new life…Hmmmm…not quite what I had been thinking all this time…but there again, nothing has been what I had been thinking…should I stop thinking, perhaps?

I have lost over 25kg since my husband walked out on me seeking comfort and “a new life” with my ex-friend. I have  survived this – physically shrinking and mentally growing in the process…I may still have metastastic cancer but hey…I tried on an extra-small dress in a shop the other day! EXTRA-SMALL??? I didn’t buy it but that wasn’t the point – I looked great in it, really great!

…and the cat…the story is not over…he is, in theory, now staying here BUT he hasn’t come “home” yet today…


Layers of loss…

“The situation” with the cat has now been to the negotiating table…Alfie, it seems is leaving home. “Loss” seems to be my middle name at present so I made a remarkably sanguine (or maybe I am just worn down) decision about him. Should he stay or should he go? Well…he hisses all the time here (even when I was trying to discuss the matter with him), he hates the other cat and comes in to do anything other than feed (and hiss), very rarely. Apparently in his “other” home (one of them anyway)..he purrs, plays and generally chills (as well as having “his own pillow”)…Sounds like a happier cat to me, so I have agreed he can go, as my requirements regarding his medications, vet appointments, honesty about his age seemed not to cause a problem…So, leaving “do” is next weekend!  Not sure I am exactly becoming inured to loss but maybe just starting to see this is my lot…I have said he can come “home” if he is unhappy.

Loss of eyesight could be another to add to list. A few hours at Eye Hospital today with a new variety of equipment for retinal photography seems to show….? Well…I’m not sure..they don’t seem sure…and will have to “meet” and get back to me. My assumption was that this may be a new way of introducing efficiency savings ie no-one will get back to me and trying to contact the Eye Hospital would challenge even Job’s patience on the Kafka-esque phone circuit. Thus they lose one from the endless list. Perhaps it’s genuine and they really don’t know what’s going on but time will tell. So far as I am concerned, I can see as well as usual but who knows what is going on in the deeper regions behind the retina… me something new to google! I have already found “retinal vein occlusion” – could it be that?

The other woman

I have received a 4 page love letter…sadly not “for” me but to one of my cats Alfie….who, apparently is “the most precious cat ever met” and he has stolen another’s heart! Who knew that the cat who regularly hisses and snipes at me was being such a flirt across the road from me to a woman whose waking thought each day…is Alfie, especially now she is about to move house!  He regularly overnights there, apparently, on his “own pillow”. Tomorrow I am scheduled to meet this other woman to “share my thoughts on the situation”….hmmmm… not quite sure what the “situation” is…but imagine she wants to take my very independent cat with her…Wonder if she knows that as well as his “home” here, he also has “his” room and a multitude of resting places at other houses in the neighbourhood as well…

Aside from this light entertainment I am still trawling through mud…3 consecutive days of medical appointments this coming week (eyes, cancer and head!)…they just keep coming



Language barrier

I always thought myself quite literate so have been surprised, when trying to read the newspaper, of all manner of new (?) vocabulary that seems to have crept in, when I wasn’t looking. Maybe everybody else knows what a mocktail is, but I didn’t…same goes for hidalgo…scanxiety (which, if you already know or have looked-up, you would have thought I should have heard of) cortado, MAMIL and many more oddities I encountered in the very first page I attempted. Am I really so disconnected from “real” life?  I feel like Rip van Winkle but I feel sure I was awake yesterday. I’m sure I was…

Pushing that worrying distraction to one side, onto the ever increasing stressy pile, I prepare for more treatment this week.  Whilst I know the Herceptin infusion is keeping me alive, it can’t help but prompt a reminder of my diagnosis and whatever buoyancy I have managed to capture seems to evaporate (for a while anyway).  I want to dispense with this 3 weekly ritual and just let nature take its course (I feel relatively well after all) but I suspect that I am not going to be allowed to do that. So I prepare, again, for a half day with a Healthcare at Home nurse…I think the nurse who will be treating me is the one who is scared of cats, so no furry ball of warm comfort in my lap tomorrow afternoon. Then I am scheduled back at both Eye Hospital and Dermatology in the next week…and blood tests…Whoo-hoo…the fun just goes on and on!



“Bad things come from the north”

I am, reliably told, that the Bible (??) tells us that bad things always come from the north…Who knew? Does this include northerners, such as myself? Certainly food for thought…but I remain unsure of what to make of it…or if it even has any meaning at all. That said, it keeps making me laugh and maybe that’s  enough!

I’ve spent the past week or so on a journey (quest perhaps) of my own, looking for answers (without really knowing the questions)…and looking, learning and discussing things I have not even touched before. I have also been evaluating and questioning long held beliefs and challenging a very cynical core that I seem to have nurtured unwittingly …Somehow this seems like a preferable start to a year than a “dry” January!…I don’t seem to ever do things by halves, and the travails continue…

Simultaneously I have been girding my loins (if that is an appropriate analogy) for what is about to be a huge personal loss…Bigger by far than those of the past year…

Let’s just hope that further bad things stay in the north! But I guess most places are north of somewhere!

Meantime I’ll just keep taking the tablets…

In the Wild

So…Twelfth Night – yes, January and I have been “wild swimming” today – is that what they call it? Yes, fairly mad…but that’s me! I am planning more mad? wild? things for the weeks to come…This is all relative, of course…relative to my “usual”.

Having spent many years being fearful of anything and everything, I now finally realise that life is short (you would have thought – really…I had been given enough prompts over the past year or two…but I have been rather slow on the uptake! ) and suddenly feel like doing things I either hadn’t considered before or, maybe lacked the confidence to even think of…or think and decide for myself.

I am ignoring the twinges and the complete exhaustion for now and am going with the flow.! I am doing stuff I wouldn’t even have considered a few months ago….New people, new experiences,  new places…

It’s a crazy start to the year, but hey…Who knows how many I have…time to take some chances. How hard can it be??

Standing out from the crowd

I start the year much as I ended the last – with venom in my heart and, poisonous though it is, it is staying there to remind me of my  “checkered” past. However I also have to find reasons to go on as well, not least for the people continually propping me up, the non-professionals amongst them really need a break..REALLY!

I’ve taken a long look at my very damaged self and am going to get to work on some repairs. The physical stuff is impossible (one boob, and leprosy scarring for starters) but other things are. Today I have been to 2 very crowded street markets which were amazing. I loved the jostling, the banter and the whole mad and very loud crowd thing as well as doing it on my own. I had thought I hated crowds but it appears not…I saw two very, very elderly headscarved  ladies hand in hand doing their shopping. They both gave me a big smile which I returned as I watched them very slowly manoeuvre their way through the melee. Maybe there are other things that I can now take on now I feel less judged, less controlled and less afraid…I may not get to grow old but it seems I haven’t completely lost touch with humanity.

A good start anyway…and tomorrow’s another day!