Annual returns

I am (stoically) directing my eyes full-beam ahead, despite the obstacle course of things (legal, medical, financial, housing) I am negotiating. And, head and shoulders above all of this horse trading and waiting remains the impending death of my close friend. To say we have been “lucky” might be pushing it, but the huge upside of us both having cancer at the same time has meant we could spend more time together in the past 2 years than at any time since student days. We have been capitalising on the space we have had for a lifetime of conversations – discussing things past, present and future… She wants Dolly Parton singing “My Tennessee Home” at her funeral (perhaps not in person..but that would work too!) and we have laughed about her directing proceedings beyond the grave.

When I am not with her I am having to use every effort to avoid consulting my rear view mirror. Downsizing means a significant investment of time in sorting through both “stuff” and memories. Whilst I am not of the sentimental persuasion, I am finding that this is really tugging at more than my heartstrings re-evaluating what I thought was true about my past.

I am relieved to know that I cannot inhabit the sanguine persona (personae?) of happiness at any price, that my “husband” and “friend” have played/are playing..somehow I think that my need is to inhabit these emotions and work them through so that in time I may be able to toss them into the wind. Meantime, a 4 bedroom house, loft, cellar, shed, storage “corridor”, garden and more…require rationalising!

This is all happening a year on from when I learned that I was being left, maybe exactly the right time to physically move on and leave “it” all behind. Too many tears, too much incomprehension, too much loss, too many lies to start looking back now. I won’t be broken and my amazing flash mob supporters are there again and again and again and again making sure.


4 thoughts on “Annual returns

  1. Hi Wendy

    My heart is breaking for you

    Twice I have had to sift through the remains of my parents’ past and this becomes a minefield which has to be negotiated, but oh! with so much emotional trauma.

    Wendy, you never talk about your son…is he around? Is he a help?

    Bev Jacobson
    Library Co-ordinator

    [Campion Education]
    Campion Education (Aust) Pty Ltd
    7 Oxleigh Drive, Malaga WA 6090

    t 08 6240 2712
    f 08 6240 2799
    m 0434 954 554
    w / / /

    abn 33 074 318 602


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