Pondering mortality, my own and that of others has pushed me into some seriously uncomfortable places over the past days, months, year. I have finally tripped a switch which is enabling me to start unravelling and facing up to the hows and whys of my life choices, as well as starting to lay some solid foundations for my onward journey. It has been more interesting than I thought possible opening myself up to “analysis” (my interpretation rather than psychoanalysis) and I am finding that I am starting to reach elements of myself that have been under lock and key for decades. Good stuff for me to be investing in, I feel.
It is hard not to think about my own cancer as I watch it growing exponentially across my friend’s face – truly staring me down. Slapped wrists seems no deterrent as I keep veering towards the laptop, in a layman’s attempt to try and discover for myself what having “ascites” could signify, develop into or mean (or not..of course!) I wonder if, what I had thought of as a “healthy glow” is in fact jaundice, whether I have abdominal swelling or not…Google…what a curse! I need to calm down and wait for new scans which are booked for next month. Life with this level of uncertainty is how life is with cancer so I’d better adapt.