Monthly Archives: September 2015

To everything there is a season

..whilst my inclination is to noisily start singing Turn! Turn! Turn!…I will instead post this..and try to follow because this is what I think I now need to do to live the life I have left, the way I want to..

I will, however, insert the caveat that I am interpreting “by yourself” time as “by yourself with cats, anti-depressants, wine and therapist” and add the lyrics to Turn! Turn! Turn! (because I never want to be known for being compliant!)

Brain Pickings

“Turn! Turn! Turn!”
To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late!

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Half and half

I seemed to be bearing my load reasonably well in recent weeks…but yesterday I came tumbling down..and down…

I spent the night fitfully, as I couldn’t seem to shift acute pain, which ebbed and flowed through the small hours with no painkiller killing the pain…and when I finally got up it was as if the physical pain had awoken a whole headspace of mental pain. How on earth had I been kidding myself for 18 months that my one breasted physique was Amazonian rather than “deformed”? In a split second I was hurling my rose tinted spectacles I had been clinging onto for dear life, across the room. I suddenly saw the make believe world I had constructed to protect myself, crumble. A world where all my clothes (and me) had looked great. Suddenly I was staring at myself in the mirror and seeing every item of clothing I put on as worse than the last, all emphasising loss of every possible kind. I stood there, for what seemed like forever, tearfully acknowledging that actually I feel half the woman I was as well as half-hearted…half-baked…and that maybe that I haven’t yet faced the half of it…

Suspect this is shake-down time…now I have been through chemo, hair loss, mastectomy, betrayal three times over, retirement, divorce as well as selling and buying property and setting up my new home..it is now the moment to face it all..and it’s not pretty…

…but today have been to the gym and there is the smell of roasting lamb and garlic through the house as I am cooking for friends…and I would certainly be feeling even less than half a being without them…

A walk on the lime side

I have been “liming”….didn’t know what it was yesterday…and in my anglo-centric view of the world thought the noun “lime” referred to a green tasting lemon…however in the Caribbean a lime is so much more and is both a noun and a verb. It means to “hang out” and/or party! ┬áSo it was “Leh we lime” – having a good time with friends, pots of home-made (as we watched) curry and rotis….and drinking rum punch to celebrate birthdays, Trinidad independence, elections and, remembering (but with laughter) my lovely friend whose antics we anticipated, beyond the grave.The “English” language is so rich and with the Trini lilt and vocabulary, it felt like being woken and tickled by a warm Caribbean kiss…

Who needs a bucket list?