Half and half

I seemed to be bearing my load reasonably well in recent weeks…but yesterday I came tumbling down..and down…

I spent the night fitfully, as I couldn’t seem to shift acute pain, which ebbed and flowed through the small hours with no painkiller killing the pain…and when I finally got up it was as if the physical pain had awoken a whole headspace of mental pain. How on earth had I been kidding myself for 18 months that my one breasted physique was Amazonian rather than “deformed”? In a split second I was hurling my rose tinted spectacles I had been clinging onto for dear life, across the room. I suddenly saw the make believe world I had constructed to protect myself, crumble. A world where all my clothes (and me) had looked great. Suddenly I was staring at myself in the mirror and seeing every item of clothing I put on as worse than the last, all emphasising loss of every possible kind. I stood there, for what seemed like forever, tearfully acknowledging that actually I feel half the woman I was as well as half-hearted…half-baked…and that maybe that I haven’t yet faced the half of it…

Suspect this is shake-down time…now I have been through chemo, hair loss, mastectomy, betrayal three times over, retirement, divorce as well as selling and buying property and setting up my new home..it is now the moment to face it all..and it’s not pretty…

…but today have been to the gym and there is the smell of roasting lamb and garlic through the house as I am cooking for friends…and I would certainly be feeling even less than half a being without them…

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2 thoughts on “Half and half

  1. Oh Wendy, I am feeling so sad…. Please, don’t lose hope. The body is just a covering for what is inside…. You are a strong, bright and wonderful woman. And you are loved!

    Regards,
    Bev Jacobson
    Library Co-ordinator

    [Campion Education]
    Campion Education (Aust) Pty Ltd
    7 Oxleigh Drive, Malaga WA 6090

    t 08 6240 2712
    f 08 6240 2799
    m 0434 954 554
    e bjacobson@campion.com.au
    w http://www.campion.com.au / http://www.elandmark.com.au / http://www.mcgills.com.au / http://www.edsoft.com.au

    abn 33 074 318 602

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  2. WendyWendy Just stand back read what you have just written,all the things you’ve done and gone through alone.probably been doing too much the past few weeks even now cooking for friends.Slow down and smell the roses

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