A bit short on the words, or the right words, or words I can share, or shout out loud. Anti-depressant reduction plan isn’t happening…this level of dealing with my demons enough for now. But, dealing with them I am, and, in time, one way or another, will lay them to rest!
It’s one thing coming off herceptin, heart monitoring, scans, blood tests and facing cancer but quite another deal climbing down from a very high anti-depressant dose. Even my gentle downward stumble seems to be turning me into yet another person I haven’t been before.
I don’t have to do this but somehow thought I was ready to engage with some of the pain. I am ready. Guess I had just forgotten how much pain I had (that was secreting itself behind the SSRI influence) and what pain is like.
I have seen my GP and know I can take it at my own pace or, indeed, not do it all. For the time being, 6 weeks in, I have re-calibrated my gradient for reduction. Waking up and smelling the coffee isn’t quite what I had anticipated and I am so missing my quirky, irreverent, spirited, intelligent, argumentative, tenacious, fierce, talkative, difficult, magnetic and so talented…yet dead, friend. The endless silence she leaves in her wake is hitting me in waves, some days lapping…some days tidal.
But I’m OK..I need to experience this…and overwhelming all of this is the delight and roars of laughter I can only hear in my head (that we would have shared) if she had seen my fake nails, nail art, tattooed eyebrows and tiddly pom mules!