The grief was bound to come and yet I had not imagined what a very embarrassing public show of grief it would be, over a year later. My route subconsciously took me to Mornington…where my friend lived, and died last year. The tears began slowly and I was set to walk by, but instead, found myself sitting on the dirty steps of what must now be someone else’s flat in NW1, howling. Not pretty…but not a pretty death…Cancer is not a great accessory however bedizened.
I am still hoping for a version with more baubles and bling.
…with apologies to Elizabeth Smart “By Grand Station Station I Sat Down and Wept” 1945
After temporarily allowing me the return of my driving license, the powers that be, have now gathered their evidence. This “evidence” includes “seizure markers” whatever they are, and so my license has been revoked. The neurologist I saw told me that my symptoms were not consistent with epilepsy but guess “seizures” cover a panorama of out of the box medical presentations.
Whilst this sounds minor (in the great scheme of things) it seems a huge backward step into “sickness” again for me…I feel that the more medicine I shrug off , the more different shit pounces from stage left.
Another 12 months until I can try re-applying “with the support of my doctor” but can neither think about that at the moment nor wonder which of my various doctors this may be…
Drat and double drat
Having spent the past couple of weeks telling others to focus on what they can do rather than what they have lost, I find myself backed into a corner and having to look at my own situation:
- Drive again
- Detach (or semi-detach) from hospital
- Potter in my garden
- Sit in the sunshine
- Enjoy company
- Discover what makes (the new me) happy
- Travel (sensibly)
- Have long and funky fingernails
- Brush my hair
- Get through my GoodReads target for this year (as you can see 59 read, to date, from a target of 75)
- dance in the light of the moon, as if nobody is watching, as if everybody is watching!
but I am also thinking I can:
- Forget what I am up against and do too much
- Take on the world
- Say yes to anything (maybe these first 3 are the same?)
- Reduce medication
- Travel (foolishly….?)
…but sadly I can’t, but it’s been fun trying! AND – how terrible is sleeping from 10pm one night to 5pm the next day?
I am trying not to fret about the stuff I have lost and find other ways to do things or find new things to embrace
I have 3 goals (that I consider do-able) on the horizon for this year.
- I originally had the first on my 1991 “to do” list
- The second is an unexpected going back. A gathering forged from tragedy
- The third has been on my “forever” wishlist
and also daring to dream about 2017. Not sharing yet. Will if I accomplish.