Tag Archives: depression

Shrinking World Maybe, Shrinking Violet Never

Looking at my “Life after discharge from Intensive Care” leaflet and finding it is “normal” to have tearfulness, depression, bad dreams and a Bermuda Triangle of a brain but that doesn’t seem to be helping make it OK on any level at all.

Not only have I lost my dreams for living but my personal independence. I will battle to my last breath in resistance to my defiance being put away in cotton wool in a shrinkwrapped box in a padded chest to be kept safe. I am not the village idiot…I understand…I understand that this experience has probably been worse for those around me than for me but, in the space of 7 days I seem to be sleepwalking into the scenario I have most feared as every part of me that makes me “me” is dissembled, piece by careful piece.

Don’t worry…I can do the platitudes and of course I am grateful for what I have, really grateful and blessed but this loss of independence cuts so rawly after every loss that I have had to shoulder because this is about my very being. I shy away from the word dependent but I am in freefall towards it.

Of course there are solutions (of a kind) to these first world problems of mine but my opportunities to go off wherever I want, whenever I want, however I want, have begun their erosion. It means somebody else always has to be aware of what I want to do and when I plan to do it and for how long, unless I am in my “safe” environment. That is the very same “safe” sitting duck environment where I collapsed.

Surrendering my driving license makes me want to bawl. Surrendering my driving license and then not being able to attend my speed awareness course (for driving at 34mph in a 30mph zone) and being given penalty points on my license makes me bawl in a different way. A bemused voice on the phone at DVLA couldn’t even tell me where I should send my license. Medical? Penalties? or hey maybe it should go to Other – of course, silly me, other – my usual destination. One way to turn bawling to laughter at least.

And…as if this wasn’t enough…whilst other people may dream they went to Manderley…last night I dreamed about cooking dessert for George Osborne at the Waterside Inn (just the two of us)! Then I woke up (really woke up… I think) came downstairs, put on the TV and found myself in another parallel universe with a Welsh language channel blaring. I am just parking those two random happenings today.

Round peg, square hole…I ain’t changing now and I will adapt and move forward, but quietly? Never.

I have, unsurprisingly, left hospital “against medical advice”. Something I can still decide for myself.

 

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Tangled Up in Blue…

Blue Monday tomorrow – apparently the most depressing day of the year, “birthed” by a PR company only 10 years ago…and how depressing is that? Why would anyone create such an excuse to puff people up for sadness?

Maybe a day to think outside the blue box we are being corralled into

  • Klein blue – what could be more uplifting than this monochrome?
  • Memphis Blues – how can you not smile and dissolve into your own world, let Blue Monday look after itself…
  • Blue Moon – unpredictable and effectively an “added extra” – how can a new moon be a source of sadness?
  • Blue Ridge Mountains – in my current favourite area of US & of course subject of a Dolly Parton song – gotta smile
  • blues and twos/Blue Peter/blue rinses/blu-tack and…enough blue to make a sailor a pair of trousers have got to make you chortle at being British

…and so I shall drift nonchalantly in and out of Blue Monday continuing to walk the tightrope between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

“Blue, here is a shell for you
Inside you’ll hear a sigh
A foggy lullaby
There is your song from me”

Joni Mitchell

 

The best of times…the worst of times…

Life feels very tenuous at present. I am having to do lots of out of the box thinking and will probably have to follow up with some out of the box living, which, currently, is not where I want to be. I feel uncomfortable and teary and just want to crawl back in the box (any box!) and hibernate. I am not being allowed to do this because I am having to make decisions, endless painful difficult decisions that my brain feels incapable of computing or making. I hate being in this place and want to leave it behind with great haste.

On the plus front is the fact that I have the most perfect distraction. The Baileys Prize long list of books has been announced. (This was the Orange Prize and is for female novelists). 20 books populate the list and I have only read 4 of them  so 16 to read, if I can, before the winner is announced on 3 June. (Can’t believe I will have read them by the time of the short list on 13 April!)

…and another positive note…Craig in the strawberry van (from Ocado) will be pitching up this afternoon…then the fridge will be filled and I can at least breathe again…