I am going to attempt another adventure this week. A trip planned in 1991 so, I figure it is about time I got round to it, albeit it, in a different way.
But what a weird thing memory is, and, following on from the swathes of school memories, I seem to be thrashing myself out of a chrysalis of disorder into more senior moments of re-ordering my past.
I find that there are permanent furrows I have ploughed into the memory foam. I am less belligerent about them these days and even willingly nestle into acceptance and gratitude with them:
- sickness (despite 16 blood tests this week…and a flu jab)
and then the transient yet recurrent stuff:
- good choices
- bad choices
- completely off the wall choices
- learning to make my own choices
….which has led me, as it often does, to Dr Seuss…that unexpected, fountain of knowledge and his fabulous logorrhea.
“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
“Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind maker-upper to make up
his her mind”
Couldn’t have put it better…so off I go, in an easterly direction!
Have had an “interesting” morning jumping between medical appointments. Two hours at the Eye Hospital – examined by 3 different ophthalmic clinicians, all looking at different things.
- I do have cataracts but they are not at a stage that anything would be done, so that can sit on one side for the moment.
- The vision problems, i.e. seeing things as if through a streaky window of Vaseline, it appears could be caused by the chemo (or not). This seems to be exacerbated by not having my vari-focals positioned correctly (oh…that must have been when I dropped and stood on my glasses…or when I accidentally sat on them, or maybe when I pushed them up off my face when they steamed up when I was cooking and they ended up in the tomato sauce …the choice is endless..but fortunately easy to resolve. Cleaning my glasses more often was also suggested as a possible aid as was changing the scratched lenses!
- The “new” problem is that I have a problem with my saccadic eye movements (who knew that one even had them?) – I was given the correct term for my latest condition but instantly forgot it, as you do! It is similar to nystagmus but the jumping eye movements I have self-correct in a few seconds. Nonetheless I am being referred to a consultant who specialises in this condition to see what he can suggest so will then be attending 2 different clinics at the Eye Hospital as well as Oncology and Diabetes Centre. I feel as if I need staff to manage all these appointments – it’s turning into a full-time occupation. Who knows maybe I will soon be seen in several units in each hospital…Can hardly wait!
Then it was a rapid turnabout and down the hill to the GP in time for blood tests…then flu jab with a timely return home moments before the arrival of the Ocado fridge stockers who came fully laden so that I can rest easy during chemo week. Fridge now packed to the gills, freezers only just able to close, fruit bowls overflowing – so all’s well in my world!
I am exhausted (yet already wired from starting the steroids today) and as ready as I am going to get for Round 3 tomorrow morning.