Tag Archives: psychotherapy

57, and not planning to be out…

It is now almost 4 years since I thought I had only those 4 years and so I have been celebrating a birthday. I don’t care what age I am, whatever the age, it is truly something to enjoy. Every year feels like a bonus and I am happy that I am actually here to get older.

  • Dealing with each day as if it is my last has engendered an attitude of awareness of what makes me tick, big or small.
  • I am thinking myself “well”
  • Physical travelling has been indulged – in the past 4 years I have been on so many adventures and am loving it…Crete, Israel, Jordan, Deep South US, Salzburg, Romania, Bulgaria, Croatia, Serbia, Hungary, St Petersburg, Dublin, Saint Lucia as well as Hay-on-Wye, Brighton, Bath, Manchester, Harrogate, Liverpool.
  • Not sweating the trips or outings I have had to cancel
  • Perhaps more importantly I have also travelled from utter despair to contentment, albeit taking a rather kinked? kinky? tangential? route
  • Living life vicariously is not living at all
  • Family and friends (ancient & modern) have made the world a better place for me
  • I have reframed the challenges I want to undertake and have, finally, accepted that some you win, some you lose!
  • I also know how easily tired I get and am learning (or, more truthfully, am on the learning curve for) how to stop/opt out/cancel/take time out when head says yes and body says no.
  • Indulging my creative and academic sides through writing, art, silversmithing, photography, studying again….and on a different level altogether – nail art, taxidermy…the list keeps on growing
  • My new benchmarks for living – serendipity, psychotherapy, reading and laughing whilst climbing every mountain (as it were!)
  • I am not planning on dying with any regrets of things not done/achieved
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My troublin’ mind

A bit short on the words, or the right words, or words I can share, or shout out loud. Anti-depressant reduction plan isn’t happening…this level of dealing with my demons enough for now. But, dealing with them I am, and, in time, one way or another, will lay them to rest!

Can’t help but wonder where I’m bound…

Lights go out in Europe?

A very drunk young Irish guy politely shook my hand and introduced himself to me last night, as I was walking along, I say introduced but he gave no name! He rabbited on about in the most extreme jingoist terms about his full support for Brexit  – assuming that we both felt the same. Then got round to asking if I agreed with him. I didn’t and before I even got going, wondered (out loud) how he could wax so lyrical (not) about “bloody immigrants” whilst, at the same time telling me that both of his parents were Irish nationals but he had emigrated and was British. He didn’t want to hear that (because “Ireland is different”) nor did he want to hear anything other than Britain could and should face the world alone, as, he spouted “they did in the war”. When I challenged that, he started shouting and walked off…but then scurried back and shook my hand again…

I am seriously angst-ing about Brexit…wonder if the forthcoming referendum will echo the miners’ strike when families and communities were forever divided by opposing viewpoints.

But naturally this is not the only thing on my list of concerns. As I move further away (in time not memory) from the betrayals that led to the breakup of my marriage. I ponder that I am not dead yet, and look around me wondering how a breast-free future with a very poor shelf life, pans out in terms of any potential partnership. Who in the world would be brave enough to love me and who would I ever trust enough to love? Two years of therapy and counting…

…and, for a final nail in the coffin (as it were) weather forecast in Sound of Music-land is thunderstormy and wet…very wet, heavy showers in fact. I am told (in a roundabout kinda way) by “frockfrolics” that this could be in keeping with the mission

SOM

 

To everything there is a season

..whilst my inclination is to noisily start singing Turn! Turn! Turn!…I will instead post this..and try to follow because this is what I think I now need to do to live the life I have left, the way I want to..

I will, however, insert the caveat that I am interpreting “by yourself” time as “by yourself with cats, anti-depressants, wine and therapist” and add the lyrics to Turn! Turn! Turn! (because I never want to be known for being compliant!)

Brain Pickings

“Turn! Turn! Turn!”
To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late!

Moving back and forth from the precipice

Pondering mortality, my own and that of others has pushed me into some seriously uncomfortable places over the past days, months, year. I have finally tripped a switch which is enabling me to start unravelling and facing up to the hows and whys of my life choices, as well as starting to lay some solid foundations for my onward journey. It has been more interesting than I thought possible opening myself up to “analysis”  (my interpretation rather than psychoanalysis) and I am finding that I am starting to reach elements of myself that have been under lock and key for decades. Good stuff for me to be investing in, I feel.

It is hard not to think about my own cancer as I watch it growing exponentially across my friend’s face – truly staring me down. Slapped wrists seems no deterrent as I keep veering towards the laptop, in a layman’s attempt to try and discover for myself what having “ascites” could signify, develop into or mean (or not..of course!) I wonder if, what I had thought of as a “healthy glow” is in fact jaundice, whether I have abdominal swelling or not…Google…what a curse! I need to calm down and wait for new scans which are booked for next month. Life with this level of uncertainty is how life is with cancer so I’d better adapt.

The other woman

I have received a 4 page love letter…sadly not “for” me but to one of my cats Alfie….who, apparently is “the most precious cat ever met” and he has stolen another’s heart! Who knew that the cat who regularly hisses and snipes at me was being such a flirt across the road from me to a woman whose waking thought each day…is Alfie, especially now she is about to move house!  He regularly overnights there, apparently, on his “own pillow”. Tomorrow I am scheduled to meet this other woman to “share my thoughts on the situation”….hmmmm… not quite sure what the “situation” is…but imagine she wants to take my very independent cat with her…Wonder if she knows that as well as his “home” here, he also has “his” room and a multitude of resting places at other houses in the neighbourhood as well…

Aside from this light entertainment I am still trawling through mud…3 consecutive days of medical appointments this coming week (eyes, cancer and head!)…they just keep coming

 

 

“Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits…”

Whilst festering at home I have discovered that I am now retired. How can that be possible? I don’t feel very old and, at the moment, I don’t feel very ill. You would think by now I would be used to surprises but it seems that I’m not…I have no retirement training under my belt and have not been offered any induction programme so I guess I will just have to act the complete newbie and think on my feet with this one. At least there won’t be new software to learn (or will there?)

I do know that I won’t be going to any handicrafts classes, be learning to cake decorate, do “scrap-booking” (indeed…what is this activity that seems to be rife for “senior” Americans?) nor will I be going on a Saga cruise, so that’s a start!

When people ask me “What do you do?”  – how will I reply?

  • I go to the hospital
  • I read a lot …and write a little…(maybe the emphasis could shift?)
  • I’m a gym bunny
  • I’m in therapy
  • I’m retired….(N’ah..not this one!)

or ….”Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits…” (courtesy of A.A.Milne and Winnie the Pooh)