Shrinking World Maybe, Shrinking Violet Never

Looking at my “Life after discharge from Intensive Care” leaflet and finding it is “normal” to have tearfulness, depression, bad dreams and a Bermuda Triangle of a brain but that doesn’t seem to be helping make it OK on any level at all.

Not only have I lost my dreams for living but my personal independence. I will battle to my last breath in resistance to my defiance being put away in cotton wool in a shrinkwrapped box in a padded chest to be kept safe. I am not the village idiot…I understand…I understand that this experience has probably been worse for those around me than for me but, in the space of 7 days I seem to be sleepwalking into the scenario I have most feared as every part of me that makes me “me” is dissembled, piece by careful piece.

Don’t worry…I can do the platitudes and of course I am grateful for what I have, really grateful and blessed but this loss of independence cuts so rawly after every loss that I have had to shoulder because this is about my very being. I shy away from the word dependent but I am in freefall towards it.

Of course there are solutions (of a kind) to these first world problems of mine but my opportunities to go off wherever I want, whenever I want, however I want, have begun their erosion. It means somebody else always has to be aware of what I want to do and when I plan to do it and for how long, unless I am in my “safe” environment. That is the very same “safe” sitting duck environment where I collapsed.

Surrendering my driving license makes me want to bawl. Surrendering my driving license and then not being able to attend my speed awareness course (for driving at 34mph in a 30mph zone) and being given penalty points on my license makes me bawl in a different way. A bemused voice on the phone at DVLA couldn’t even tell me where I should send my license. Medical? Penalties? or hey maybe it should go to Other – of course, silly me, other – my usual destination. One way to turn bawling to laughter at least.

And…as if this wasn’t enough…whilst other people may dream they went to Manderley…last night I dreamed about cooking dessert for George Osborne at the Waterside Inn (just the two of us)! Then I woke up (really woke up… I think) came downstairs, put on the TV and found myself in another parallel universe with a Welsh language channel blaring. I am just parking those two random happenings today.

Round peg, square hole…I ain’t changing now and I will adapt and move forward, but quietly? Never.

I have, unsurprisingly, left hospital “against medical advice”. Something I can still decide for myself.

 

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4 thoughts on “Shrinking World Maybe, Shrinking Violet Never

  1. I like to hear you are still being the same old Wendy. Thank goodness.
    Also apparently you have a very handsome man looking after you.

    Like

  2. Hi Wendy – just wanted to say I am thinking of you and sending you good wishes and positive thoughts. Your blog inspires me to keep writing. Take care, Kamini xx

    Like

  3. Bermuda triangle of a brain.. All these words are brilliant but I’m steeling this phrase! That’s my brain!

    Just reading back trying to catch up on ‘you’. You fabulous expanding human being. No shrinking in sight xx

    Liked by 1 person

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